Are you jealous of people who always seem to know what they want? These people who have set their mind on becoming somebody important in some company. People who work hard to have the money to buy their dream house or -on a smaller scale- their dream holidays? People who at a young age already know they want to have children? I am not.

I am rather the opposite, I want annoyingly little and what I do want, I do not really know…

When I was at middle school and it became tough towards the end, I already had an interest in things religious, in these days mostly the darker side of things (I was adolescent eh). I could not figure out what to study and nor could anybody around me. So I decided to close my school career with an easy and short education.

There again I was asked what I wanted to study after, but nobody still seemed to know what would be fitting for me. Nobody told me about interesting studies at Dutch or foreign universities and I doubt I would have tried to reach these if they did. I figured if I just started working, I would have the money to buy the books that interest me and the rest would come or they would not.

When I was 17 or 18 or so, I read the works of Helena Blavatsky, Rudolf Steiner, etc. and quite a few times I had this strong feeling ‘I already know this, this is how things are’. Still I shifted away from these circles and this way of thinking.

Already then I was quite a hermit. The few friends I had I hardly saw. I did go to concerts and meet people, wrote for a few magazines, corresponded with many people and eventually started the first version of the website you are reading now which did at some points bring some new friends (that I seldom see). Still, in spite of living together for 18 years or so by now, I am still quite a hermit.

When I met my girlfriend my interests had started to shift from Western esotericism to ‘heathendom’ yet in these days I knew about the new Hermetic chair at Amsterdam University (if only it had been there when I had the choice!) and directed my girlfriend there for a short while when she was still going to another university.

Together we became involved in a Flemish ‘heathen’ group with an enigmatic foreman who shortly became some sort of ‘guru’. It was amazing. He had similar interests to mine including the weird combination of esotericism and heathenry, but he seemed to know it all and even more, understand it all. If there is something that I have wanted for a long time, it could be this sense of ‘knowing’ or at least inspiration.

Things were not to last. Events led our paths in quite similar, but still separate ways and another fairly directionless period started. I read more Traditionalist books that do inspire me, ran into new subjects and new ways of thinking that fascinate me, but it is mostly just book-knowledge.

Knowing that it does not fit my ‘scheme’ me and my girlfriend joined a co-Masonic (mixed gender) lodge. I hoped to meet interesting people. I also hoped that the symbolic structure would bring structure to my own studies. Then I hoped that the rituals would inspire me or even sparkle some sort of insight.

I did and do meet interesting people, but none who share my interests. Studying the history and the wild varieties of Masonic rituals is wildly interesting, but it hardly structured my studies. I enjoy the ritualistic meetings, but Freemasonry being an organisation, there also came a lot of other new uninteresting things such as meetings, functions in the organisations (lodge and grand lodge), evenings with subjects that I do not care much about and even arguments, infighting and split-ups.

So after all it is still mostly me doing my own thing while being involved with groups at some distance.

What do I hope for in life? What do I want? In spite of growing years, I still do not care about a ‘career’. Work that seems meaningful somehow and work that allows me to invest energy in other interests is enough for me.
Neither do I care for a ‘Masonic career’. As a matter of fact, I fear that higher up the functional ‘ladder’, administration versus content will even be more out of balance. It would be nice if some degree would “sparkle some sort of insight”, so I do follow ‘higher degrees’.

Meeting people that are interested in my way of thinking and the other way around inspire me to explore new paths would be nice. Something that I actually enjoy. And maybe something that would make life in general a bit more inspiring too… And inspiration. I can only ruminate what I found with others. When will some original thinking come out of my grey mass (or another source) again? What would that require? Illumination?

Ah yes, that ‘goal’ that I do not know what it is or how to work to reach it. Do I sound like I am in a midlife crisis? I do have that age, but I have felt like this most of my life. Perhaps it is an existential crisis. Too bad I do not care about philosophy! Philosophers seem to have something to say about that.

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